Author Topic: Turn And Face The Strain - Reworked For SUN  (Read 3317 times)

missmolly

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Turn And Face The Strain - Reworked For SUN
« on: May 09, 2005, 04:02:25 AM »
This spillage was originally inspired by a thoughtprovoking question which was posted on a Spanking Discussion Board elsewhere. It was entitled - "Would you change anything?" I’m posting it here on SUN because it relates to a number of recent threads – specifically relating to switches and guilt.

BTW - after I posted the story itself there were a number of general comments made and questions asked. On reflection, my responses as well as some of the comments shed a good bit more light on the entire scene. Consequently, I’ve included some of my replies here at the end of the original piece… trust you won’t find that off-putting!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well where do I start?

I suppose with a statement of fact - when faced with a personal challenge in my 4th and final spankorelationship, I’m afraid, I have to be honest and admit I couldn’t find it within myself to turn and face the strain, so instead I ran away (and metaphorically speaking) buried my head in the sand.

The year was 1992 and summer was just about to give way to autumn when I had the misfortune to find myself involved in what was for me (at least at that point in time) - a horrid-little-scene that included some sensory deprivation, a little bit of physical restraint and the unannounced introduction of a cane into what had previously been a strictly cane-free zone.

The outcome? One seriously freaked out MissMolly who when she was eventually deemed to be calm-enough to be released from her restraints well… lost the plot and frustration turned to mild violence as she manically gathered her clothing, screamed  vitriolic threats and redressed herself before fleeing the scene in a state of near hysteria. Very much to the stunned surprise of the person who’d been her friend for 3-years, who’d been spanking her for the previous 18-months and who had been sleeping with her (in a mutually uncommitted sort of a way) for the last year!

At the end of the day it took me a VERY LONG time to be able to sit down and talk through what happened that night. When we eventually did, Rob was still genuinely distraught by my reaction. Whilst I knew his apologies were heartfelt and whilst I also eventually believed that the scene was not, in any way, about his desire to humiliate me or force me into submission but was instead about him (as he perceived it anyhow) granting me “the session” he truly believe I’d asked for - without of course, actually asking for it (if you know what I mean)! When all was said and done, Rob and I did achieve some form of closure but I knew in my bones that I could NEVER truly trust him again. Which leads me to what I’d change;-
 
1.   If I was to find myself in a similar situation again I’d be screaming my safe word as soon as I felt in the slightest bit uncomfortable which, incidentally I was around the time he finished his over-the-knee warm-up and had then led me very unsteadily towards the bed where he restrained me by my wrists!

See from my perspective - Rob had way over-stepped-themark that night but in his equally-firmly held view he was steadfast in his belief that as I didn’t use my safeword (well I’d completely forgotten I even had one because I’d never used it before) – there was no way he could know my loud vocal protestations were actually a...REAL from the heart plea for him to stop? During our post-mortem he was absolutely adamant that he did not know we entered the non-consensual-zone! However, we did agree that given “all the fuss I was making" - Rob should have asked me directly if I wanted to Safe-out!

2.   I’d make sure that my spanking partner understood that idle-post-coital-abstract-chat about blindfolds and canes - did not in any way, shape or form - constitute the giving of a mandate to go purchase some rattan and a silk scarf!

3.   I’d make sure that my spanking partner clearly understood that I’m an easily spooked control freak! Seriously… they’d have to agree that any changes in the direction our relationship might take would need to be agreed jointly. I know it may sound trite now but on reflection had we openly indulged in a little bit of communication, communication, communication we’d probably have saved our day!

4.   One change I’d have made earlier was to get on the net at home much earlier than I did because following on from this failed relationship I concluded I was a really sad, abnormal, fetish-freak and that men-in-general and spanko’s-in-particular were bad news. So I walked away from it all and did not look back until about 3-years ago when I idly typed “spanking stories” into my web browser found loads of Spanko sites and that - as they say - is how I started hanging around with guys like you! Of course, it took me another 2.5-year to actually de-lurk anywhere and post!

5.   But most of all, if I’d to go through it all again… I guess I would be inspired by these lyrics from David Bowie’s “Changes” to make some different and better choices…

   Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
   (Turn and face the strain)
   Ch-ch-Changes
   Just gonna have to be a different man…


But hey as I look back on these events now in an almost nostalgic frame of mind (time is a great healer isn’t it), I’d have to admit that by jumping in my car when still pretty hysterical and then screeching off at high speed… I probably (well almost anyway) deserved those 8 fuckin painful and very ugly parallel indentations on my ample posterior - that took... oh so very long - to heal!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One lady pointed me to the following article from a bdsm site which I found interesting http://www.steeldoor.com/Sub_Space.html

The same lady questioned why I didn’t think to use my safe word to stop the scene?
In reply, I said -

“You are spot on with your comments here - I could have stopped him in his tracks at any point but that was a concept that was completely lost on me (at that point, in that place)!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another lady, a very good friend now said – “Thanks for sharing that. While we all know that....er, hindsight is 20-20 (*g* forgive the pun), it's a good reminder about the importance of communication. Also the importance of not blaming oneself unduly, since we all make mistakes and learn from them. (But nobody deserves to be caned who didn't want it. *wince*)” My reply was –

“…not blaming oneself unduly, since we all make mistakes” – great philosophy in theory but oh-so-hard to put into practice when your trust has been shattered, your emotions have been shot to pieces AND YET you are truly mortified by your actions (even though you can still taste the bitter resentment and feel the anger burn)!”

This same lady later added - “I do hope you know you did nothing wrong.” I replied -

“Well I have to disagree with you there you know because, as Rob pleaded with me  - “not to leave like this - at least - not until you’ve calmed down a bit – PLEASE” – I promptly clocked him a cracker as I implemented my exit strategy. And I know for a fact his “black-eye” took almost as long to heal as my injured bum (he just had a harder job explaining his consequences)!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When asked if Rob had been drinking or his manner any different to usual I gave the following reply –

“Nope his manner was fine - we’d eaten together and he’d had a beer with his meal – nothing unusual. But funnily enough when we went back over the old ground later… I did point out to him that he was “pretty pissed” when we’d had the original cane-talk-conversation and chat about the blindfold scene from 9 1 /2 Weeks -  you know the one where Mickey Rourke is busy feeding a gagging-for-it Kim Basinger strawberries and smearing her body with… Well as I said you know the one don’t you?
What I would say is that Rob confessed to me later that for a few weeks before that night he’d noticed I’d been acting “strangely”. I seemed pre-occupied and there was something he couldn’t put his finger on that was different about me. He said I just always seemed tense, irritable & frustrated. He recons this is why he let my out of character reaction slide until he realised I was truly fazed and he stop a couple short of his intended 10!”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another lady said she saw no malice in Rob and asked did we stay in touch -

“You are right he was a real nice guy and he deserved a better response from me! Oh and to answer your other question – after a few years we lost touch completely but not before we’d made a lasting peace. Although I never set foot inside his door again, we did enjoy a good few neutral-territory-lunches down at the pub which is kind of how it all began for us anyway so you could say we did the full circle!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Aussie lady whose been known to drop in here from time-to-time said she was glad we’d resolved our differences before moving on –

“I’m glad we sorted it out too but getting to the point of discussing it with him took a long time. I felt (as you might have guessed from the title), that I’d been weak in not facing up to the situation I found myself in and I was deeply embarrassed by my own reactions and behaviour.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another “friend” said she’d have loved to have witnessed the scene and that I should look upon the whole experience as educational, my response was –

“Trust me - really - you wouldn’t! But if you had, you would have recognised traumatized when you saw it!!! And... Educated - my arse!”

She later added that for her it was all about trust and relinquishing control and I replied as follows -

“And so to - Comfort zones – these are always a thorny issue and everyone has their own views here. Personally, when it comes to my own boundaries whether or not I push depends on a number of factors;-
1.   What’s the risk to me?
2.   Am I being paid to push the boundaries?
3.   What benefits will I realise from taking one-stepbeyond?
4.   Does it feel right instinctively – what my gut reaction?

You’ll notice here that the focus is completely on me as an individual – that’s how my thought processes work but it also reflects my singleton status. However, as I’ve grown older and wiser (and I guess the more I’ve thought about this) - I’ve come to believe that partnerships (be they spanko or not), flourish best if decisions on pushing the comfort zone boundaries (as they affect both parties) are made jointly...

Even if it’s only a case of one (control freak) partner exercising their control to "freely relinquish" the management of their own comfort zone boundaries to the other partner. Does that make sense?”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A certain Cockney/Kiwi said… “A FINE LINE...twixt. Pleasure and sheer PAIN..” To which I responded –

"Fine Line… We’re back to subspace again aren’t we? It’s certainly true that on another day, in another way, I could have prepared myself mentally to FIGHT instead of taking FLIGHT. And yes Blondie, it was my inability to reconcile how I achieved pleasure from pain - that resulted in me going on a long-dessert-walk-about."
Times change, and we change with them

Dusty

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Turn And Face The Strain - Reworked For SUN
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2005, 04:58:59 AM »
Mo .... thanks for relating the very thought-provoking experience.  It highlights the importance of early and open communication as to expectations from the spanking experience.  

Restraints and blindfolds smack of a degree of abdicating the consensual aspect that I am not comfortable with as a spankor.  Having a safeword is wise .... but if it becomes necessary to use it, things have gone way too far.  Experimenting with various implements..canes, switches, crops, etc is fine if agreed to and done very carefullly.

I view the spanking scene as strictly consensual and for mutual enjoyment.  What you related did not meet that standard.

Hope I have made sense here.   :whistle:

Bugger

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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2005, 04:59:05 AM »
I have having fun.

Dusty

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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2005, 05:00:10 AM »
Bugger, glad that you are happy ... isn't it past your bedtime??

Paddy

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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2005, 06:47:48 PM »
Finally!  :clap:

Quote
Apologies if you've seen this before....


:groan: There's no need to apologize that Mo, it's a priviledge to get to read it again.

On first read I was thinking how horrible it must have been, and was sad that this was the end of your spanko relationships in general (at least for now).

I'm not surprised you didn't have the concept of safeword in your mind (those are absolutely the correct words for the situation).
There were three things involved, which all are based on Trust: restraints, blindfold and the BIG no-no weapon cane. Each of them are already separately leaps of faith in a spanking relationship, especially when you thought you and Rob knew each other.  And the way I see it, your trust and feeling of safety were shattered three times harder than if it would have been only one or two of them. I am guessing: if there hadn't been the restraints things might be different today? I doubt Rob would have used the friggin cane if you had  erm...  'forced' him to stop right there.

But I have to admit, whoever mentioned you should see the thing educational, was probably right.  :twisted: Because you are a bit control-freakish  :whistle: and I'm guessing, you had not 'really' let Rob take the control before. (because IMO, it's pretty much impossible to do that if there is any possibility to safe-out) - and I'm also guessing, you wouldn't have freaked out if you had let given the total control to Rob before, and then you would have probably also remembered you have a safeword.

Quote

“And so to - Comfort zones – these are always a thorny issue and everyone has their own views here. Personally, when it comes to my own boundaries whether or not I push depends on a number of factors;-

1. What’s the risk to me?
2. Am I being paid to push the boundaries?
3. What benefits will I realise from taking one-step-beyond?
4. Does it feel right instinctively – what my gut reaction?

You’ll notice here that the focus is completely on me as an individual – that’s how my thought processes work but it also reflects my singleton status. However, as I’ve grown older and wiser (and I guess the more I’ve thought about this) - I’ve come to believe that partnerships (be they spanko or not), flourish best if decisions on pushing the comfort zone boundaries (as they affect both parties) are made jointly...

Even if it’s only a case of one (control freak) partner exercising their control to "freely relinquish" the management of their own comfort zone boundaries to the other partner. Does that make sense?�


Yes it does indeed and I agree. But there are soft boundaries and hard boundaries. Soft ones are already agreed to be pushed, not crossed since they are personal boundaries for a reason. Hard boundaries can be re-evaluated and re-discussed some time after all soft boundaries have been pushed comfortably over the to safezone. I think, that is one of the things we spankees need, even though no-one would ever admit it. ;)

Let's see: people build walls around themselves to prevent getting hurt, but it has a bad side-effect: inside the walls the person might get lonely, and feel isolated, and only wishes someone to break the damn walls down and reach out to him/her. He/she will fight like hell when someone starts knocking the bricks down, and he/she doesn't even know why. The walls maybe safe, and protective, but they are also very restraining and suffocating because nothing good gets in, or nothing bad gets out. Like guilt - especiall when it's unnecessary.  It just bounces back because you can't dump it into the throat of the person who causes them, you're stuck inside the walls.  :peep:

I think, that's how spankee's minds work too. If you're in control, then nobody can hurt you, right? Now, I see one brick as one soft boundary. They can be pushed, little by little, one brick at a time until they drop. It doesn't hurt the person inside, but it gives a feeling of being 'safe' with the person outside pushing, because it is done gently and with the spankee's well-being in mind. One day the wall has been crumbled enough for the 'prisoner' to step outside.
What happened with Rob - the way I see it - was that he didn't push just one brick. He might had noticed you always push the bricks back when he isn't looking, and so he decided to bulldoze the whole wall at once and you got stuck under the bricks, terrified and unable to make him stop hurting you.

That's about what I think anyways.   :peep:
May the tawse be with you.

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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2005, 02:22:21 PM »
Quote
I suppose with a statement of fact - when faced with a personal challenge in my 4th and final spanko-relationship, I’m afraid, I have to be honest and admit I couldn’t find it within myself to turn and face the strain, so instead I ran away (and metaphorically speaking) buried my head in the sand.


There is no shame or inadequacy, or reason to be afraid, to admit, in being able to recognise when you can't find it in yourself to face the strain. It is, a sign of strenght, if nothing more, to be able to recognise that you at one point in your life, felt the need to confront your emotions, however shocking to you at that time, to be so overwhelming, you'd rather hide out and face them when you're ready. I believe we all come across emotions similar to these. Trust is crucial, and when trust is broken, however intended, it can damage us seriously, and make us do things we might later regret. We shouldn't however, because how we responded then, was the only response to us availabe and right at that time. If only, what if, are questions only ever asked, when forgetting the true state we were in, the access we had to "normal" behavioural patterns....which, in special circumstances, change to special behaviour.
Let's not forget, that if we feel trapped, scared, done wrong, overpowered, overwhelmed, all we can feel is our fear, and our need to escape, our need to get away from that, we feel is wrong. Fear is what drives us in all aspects of life. It is what makes us decide, whether it being the fear of making the wrong decision, the fear of losing out on things if we chose the other option, the fear that makes us decide initially because we feel we are in a life-endangering, or values endangering situation even....we are driven by fear. And fear is what blindfolds as well.
Meaning, that if we are trapped in a situation, we thought so positively sure of, would never happen, because we had made well clear we wouldn't ever want to be stuck in that situation, not only trust is damaged, we ourselves feel hurt for being misunderstood. That can all leave a very bad taste, even when that episode is long over and discussed. The damage is done. And eventhough it's bandaged, the trust will never be as strong as before.

Falling off a horse, and having to get back in the saddle straight away, is not done for no reason. The sooner you get back on, the faster the healing will go. But will everyone get back on straight away? And should they all? I think that's all based on individual characters. One person would feel hesitant towards that specific horse, will never trust him again. Another might feel hesitant towards all horses, and will always be afraid to fully trust one again. Until she or he meets that special horse, that is good, sweet, friendly and completely trustworthy, however his natural instincts of fleeing might be. Some will never meet that horse, because they have given up on horsebackriding completely. Others might give it another chance, when they feel confident enough.
Point is, that no response is better than the other. To each his own, individual reaction to exceptional situations, in which the only right response, is the one being made by the person him/herself.

A long, yappa-yappa to say, I understand your response completely. There is no need to feel guilty or bad in any way. You did and felt what you did, and that was the only response possible, in the state of mind, the information you had access to at that moment in time.

I have had a similar, yet of course very different, situation, in which my trust was brutally broken and never restored. In my case, I got back on the horse quite soon after, yet on a horse, I knew could be trusted, and whom I knew for some time before. It's what I did, because I had that. It's not what is to be done for everyone.

Another incident was when I was funnying about with a guy at work. I was about 18 then, and quite the raskal, making up for what I missed out on when I was young, namely having a bit of physical, rough "fight" with a normally fine, sweet guy. Trying to tackle each other, and giggling like kids. Without a sign of it becoming too much, I all of a sudden freaked out when he had me stuck against the wall, hands stuck next to my body, no escape. His intentions were harmless, he had won "our fight" and was gloating like a six-year old who had just gained his swimming diploma. But I was terrified, and kicked him in the nuttios.
Not too hard though, and I was able to write it off as a little unlucky spasm of my leg, and all was forgotten by him, second after we sat down and finished our coffee.
I, however, began to avoid working with him at all cost. And felt considerably uncomfortable being around him. A friendship lost, a puzzle gained. Cos how could I have been so freaked out by something so harmless?
I was stuck, I was trapped, and no matter how well I knew his intentions were harmless, there was nothing at that time that could make me believe that that was indeed true. I could not feel anything but the fear. And writing this, I can almost picture how I must 've looked. Eyes wide open, adrenaline pumping. I had to flee. And I found a way of doing that.
I had no access to begging him to stop, to saying the game was over, fun was gone. I was paralysed by the sudden fear that had come over me.

Do I now feel I should've responded differently? No, because I felt then, how I felt. And there was no way I could've responded differently, because the fear of that moment had blocked out all "sensible" thoughts.

If I 'bump' into that guy now, which I have not done for a few years, but would I do that, I am quite sure I would still feel the same. He broke the undefined trust that was there before.

And that's how it goes. I know this is a long yappa yappa again. But there are some points to this saga.

I'll shut up now though. :D

Thanks for sharing, Mo, very thought provoking. :hug:
I am a dreamer, but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take...

needed2b...

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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2005, 02:29:03 PM »
:D O and that wall-explanation was brilliant Paddio, because that is probably how it works indeed. :hug:
I am a dreamer, but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take...